Dating in My Fattest Body.
six takeaways from dating as a plus size woman
Ya’ll. Ya girl is in her ✨dating era✨.
Cue George Michael’s song FREEDOM 💫
TLDR. I had a really lousy date in 2021 that turned me off to dating.
I have not felt the urgency or desire to date in a long ass time. From the pandemic - to building my business, dating just took a back seat.
Fast forward today — with a little help from a medication change (Zoloft to Wellbutrin) — ya girl feels ALIVE again and is putting her name back in the ring. This is not medical advice. Don’t switch your meds willy nilly.
In 2021 I went on 1 date. And it sucked.
To date, I’ve lost count of how many different dates I’ve been on this year.
And none of them are Mr. Right… but they are certainly Mr. Right-Now.
A younger version of myself would have convinced me that I would only be able to date the scraps.. the bottom of the barrel... whomever would have me.
All these men - in my opinion - have been attractive, funny, and kind in their own way. And NOT that it matters — but I have been the “heavier” person on all of these dates. I feel so much more confident dating in my 30s then I did in my 20s. But it doesn’t mean I don’t get nervous.
Here are my takeaways from my dating adventures:
1. Hard things are HARD.
Yes, things are absolutely harder being in the body I exist in. But one of the things NOT making this harder is cosigning the belief that my fat body disqualifies me. I no longer subscribe to the lie that that my body will prevent me from finding love, having fun sexy dates, or fun, joyful, pleasurable experiences with partners. That does not mean that this process is easy or effortless.
2. Scapegoating your body is going to feel innate.
It’s easy to blame yourself when things are new and uncomfortable. It’s the familiar neural plasticity [and for all my none psych friends.. that is the little groove our brain makes when we experience an emotion that is attached to a belief or behavior.] Regardless of the body you exist in, only we can intentionally carve out new paths. Even I - BODY IMAGE WITH FRICKIN BRI —have found ways to scapegoat my body in this dating process. But because I have the tools to catch the thoughts quickly I can move through them just as efficiently!
3. My life is full + abundant as is…
Healing my self esteem has been paramount in my dating confidence. Back then, I would go into dates hoping I would get lucky enough to find someone who would find me worthy of loving. Now I go into dates knowing I am already loved and cherished and already in healthy community. Being single is not the same as being lonely. I have known and counseled people in relationships who are lonelier than me. You can want what you want and know that no one is going to fix you or your loneliness. Romantic love won't fix your lack of community and connection. That also doesn’t mean that you have to WAIT to heal to get into a relationship. But even as someone as healed as I feel - all my old attachment shit and unhealed parts have come to the surface during this time. [Being in good therapy or coaching can be helpful with this].
4. You get to trust yourself 100%.
Only YOU know what feels good and right for you. You don’t need to settle for anything less or take anyone else’s word for it! Even if they would do it differently. I have some wonderful friends who have been so supportive of my dating adventures. At the end of the day - even if my friends think I should go on a second date or shouldn’t give someone a shot, I am autonomous over my decision. And the best part is I can’t choose wrong. I get to learn so much about myself regardless of what decision I make.
5. Not all people suck.
The world is full of cruel people. And something I feared was that if I truly put myself out there I was only going to be desired by the creeps or those would only desire me because of my body (and fetishize me without my consent). Even worse, I would be rejected by the fat phobes who would tell me my body is disgusting.
There is some truth to all of these things. But I would say the amount pales in comparison to how many kind, attractive, intelligent people I’ve gotten to meet along the way.
6. The only way out is through.
There is no skipping to the good part. If you are person in a larger body looking to find the love of your life or just wanting some good sexy fun —there is going to be discomfort.
We must sit in the suck to get to the good part.
“They’re two sides of the same coin - it's sadness and it's joy” - the Notebook the musical
I’ll never to lie to you.
Dating, putting yourself out there, intimacy, sex in any size body is hard. But the vulnerability of also being in a body that the world actively tells you is wrong makes it inexplicably harder. There is no denying that.
When I think back to High School Bri, I remember believing that I wasn’t worthy of the experiences I desired to have because of my body. I believed that no guy would ever want to date or would be attracted to me because of my body.
I remember College Bri — who believed that dating in a fat body was like walking a tight rope. Lean too far one way and you get critics of your body. Lean to far the other way and you get people who only see you as a body. And that maybe they would sleep with you in private but would be embarrassed to date you in public.
Today Bri can confirm that that is the farthest thing from the truth.
I have had some wonderful, sexy, fun dates with men of all shapes, sizes, athleticism — all who found me + my body attractive.
And again, not that it matters — I have been the heaviest person on the date.
I am more than my body. And I believe I’m hot. I mean look at me 🤪
But my body is very much part of the process. I cannot date, experience joy + pleasure, laughter, anxiety, distress — anything, I cannot experience life without her.
So if you are thinking about getting out there — and you believe your body is standing in your way, ask yourself this.
Even if the world tells me that I am undesirable in this body, does that mean I need to subscribe to this lie too?
Don’t subscribe to that thought.
But do consider subscribing to my paid blog, UNFILTERED to read a poem I wrote after one of my sexy encounters 🤭.